Both full-time, both tired – sharing the mental load in the family fairly
I am currently on holiday, watching families with small and older children. And again and again I hear similar stories: both parents work full-time, both are fully exhausted. And on top of that, everything else is supposed to run smoothly too.
The relationship needs nurturing, the children need attention, the household doesn't organise itself. Perhaps there are ageing parents who need support. And you don't want to lose touch with friends either. In short: a never-ending to-do list.
Sometimes this life reminds me of an ox ploughing a field of sand. Furrow by furrow, it patiently draws its lines – and behind it, the wind blows everything flat again. By evening, the field looks as if nothing had happened. The laundry is done, the fridge is stocked, the appointments are coordinated – and the next morning it all starts over. The work is done, yet it remains invisible.
But where is the room to breathe?
A few minutes of air in the car
For a long time I wondered why my mother – with four children and a husband deeply committed to his career – was so attached to her car. Today I understand it better. Guess why? In the car, between work and coming home, there were at least a few minutes of air.
Though – she probably kept thinking busily there too: Does everyone have what they need? Is anything missing? What do I need to buy, organise, get done? Have I forgotten something?
Mental load: the invisible thinking work
Today we call this mental load. The invisible mental work that makes sure everyday life runs. Because it is not only the amount of work that wears us out, but also the responsibility of constantly having to think of everything.
And then there is self-optimisation on top of it. Enough exercise, healthy eating, enough sleep, being mindful. Of course we should also nurture friendships, maybe even have guests over now and then – and somewhere still find room for joy, spontaneity and our own interests.
Good luck with that!
We don't have to do it all
The good news: we don't have to do it all.
Perhaps the solution is not to become even more efficient, but to look more closely: What really matters to us? What can go? And above all: who actually takes on which responsibility?
Because invisible work first has to become visible. Not to keep score of who does more, but to think together about how responsibility can be shared fairly.
Really handing over responsibility
And this is where the children come in. Even small children can take on tasks appropriate to their age. Teenagers all the more – even if they are not always thrilled about it.
What matters, however, is that responsibility is truly handed over. Anyone who delegates only to control everything themselves afterwards has gained little. And anyone who takes on a task should not be able to delegate it back to the parents at the first problem.
The same applies to adults, by the way.
Such conversations are not always comfortable. They force us to reflect on expectations, habits and priorities. Maybe the house doesn't always have to be perfectly tidy. Maybe an invitation can be kept simple. Maybe not every free hour of the children needs to be organised.
Because you can't do it all. And trying to do it all anyway often leads straight to arguments, exhaustion and the feeling of never being good enough.
What really counts
In his book Four Thousand Weeks, Oliver Burkeman reminds us that our lifetime is limited. We cannot multiply it at will, not even with better time management. We have to decide what we want to spend it on.
In my work I see again and again how relieving it can be to reshuffle the cards together. Not everything has to be solved at once. Some things can wait, others can be dropped entirely. And much is easier to carry together.
Perhaps that would be a good resolution after the holidays: not trying to juggle even more, but talking with the family about what really counts – and who will be responsible for what from now on.
So that alongside all the functioning there is room again. For the relationship, for the children, for friends. And not least for yourself.
Two book tips
Eve Rodsky – Fair Play (2019)
How can the invisible work in a family be made visible and shared more fairly? Rodsky develops a practical system that helps couples reorganise tasks and responsibilities. A key point: taking on a task also means thinking of it yourself and being responsible for getting it done.
Oliver Burkeman – Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals (2021)
A wise, humorous book about our limited lifetime and the futile attempt to always get everything done. Burkeman's central message: we will never be finished with everything. But we can decide more consciously what deserves our time.